First, for those who follow me, let me start by saying this is not about the ex from 4 years go that I recently contacted.
This is about the ex I broke up with about three months ago, after a year and a half going out together.
We had a very inspiring breakup conversation back then. It was one of the most thoughtful and open conversations I had in years. I learned a lot and couldn’t be more thankful for it.
And yet, 3 months later, I find myself hurt again. Hearing three words over and over in my head.
About 2 weeks ago, my ex started getting in touch again. It’s been mostly random conversations, exchanging only a bit once every few days. Last night though, we had some kind of real conversation. Out of the blue, she said we could go to the bar where we last went for a drink, on the day of our final conversation.
I thought about it and told her I thought it could be too soon for me. After all, I’m doing fine every day but I always feel down the moment I reflect on our relationship. But then the conversation continued as follow:
Me: What about you? Are you ready to meet again?
Her: Yup, I am.
She did follow up with saying she had gone through a lot of feelings, many of which negative, but this “Yup, I am” was all I heard.
I am incredibly happy about the fact that she’s doing well, but I also can’t deny the pain felt. I was the one who broke up after all. So shouldn’t I be the one doing better? I’m also well-aware of how self-centered this mindset is and that fact makes me feel even worse.
Sure, I’m pretty satisfied with my life. There are ways it could be better, but it’s still a pretty nice life I’ve got over here.
And yet, the pain of being the only one still recovering hurts. I can’t help but overthink things.
I remember that when we started going out, she had just broken up 2 weeks before with her boyfriend of 3 years. Sure, they had been doing long-distance for the past 2 years or so, but what if she found someone quickly again? Should that make me sad? Shouldn’t I be happy? Is it selfish to wish she’d be hurt with me?
Obviously, the answers to those questions are easy. Of course, that shouldn’t make me sad. Of course, I should be happy for her. Of course, I shouldn’t wish for her to hurt.
I don’t even know how much she suffered during these 3 months. She may have gone through horribly dark places while I barely did. She may have closed herself off from everybody while I was out with my friends.
In the end, I know I should be happy for her. And, in some twisted way, I am. I wish her the best for her entire life. For her work to evolve well. For her wish to live in Germany for a year to come true. For her family to be safe and well. For her to live a fulfilling life. That’ll never change.
“Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you.” — Ovid
It might hurt now. But I know the reasons we broke up. I know I am on my way to realize my life goals, one step at a time. I know life isn’t always easy and that’s why it’s worth living. This pain will be useful. One day.
I’ve concentrated on my goals for now but I’m now starting to realize the importance of having someone to share those with. What’s the point in achieving anything if it’s to feel lonely?
What that night full of wild thoughts reminded me is that we all need people. We can’t achieve anything alone. We can’t be completely fulfilled alone. We can be happy, but we can’t stay happy if we are always alone. We all needed to be at ease with being alone, but we shouldn’t stay alone all the time.
The world is full of people for a reason. We need each other. Whether it be a lover or a friend, we’re all surrounded because that’s part of the equation to be happy.
My happiness will not rely on her happiness either. As Will Smith said:
“Your heart. Your life. Your happiness is your responsibility and your responsibility alone.”